If someone told me two years ago that I would have even a small fraction of the amazing followers I have now, I would never believe them. I would probably nervously laugh at how impossible that would be and say, "it's just me...why would anyone be interested in me?". Still I hardly can believe the number, I can hardly believe the friends I've met, the opportunities I've had working with companies, and being able to see people out there just like me (or as close as you can get). I know no one really believes in perfect lives and perfect people, no matter how great the illusion of their Instagram feed is, and while we're all aware of imperfection sometimes it helps us to be reminded of it.
I didn't have a troubled childhood or a dramatic life changing story, on the contrary I have wonderful parents and friends who support me and push me when I need the nudge. The struggle I do have and have lived with is all in my head. It's becoming more and more common to see friends and people I know come out on social media and mention their anxiety, which is one thing I've mentioned a few times but have never really let other people in on outside of my friends and family. If you went to high school with me you probably only saw me wandering around like a lost dog, not really belonging with any particular group of people. With my interests I wasn't outgoing enough to be a true theatre and speech kid like the rest of my friends, although I took part in every show doing costumes, and I wasn't gifted enough to be an art kid but still loved the classes. I was a floater, just kind of hanging around in the no man's land outside of the specified high school cliques which was fine with me. It wasn't until senior year I started to dress how I wanted to, working my way up to how I look now. All of this wouldn't have been possible without someone telling me no.
Now, I'm a people pleaser, I always want to make everyone happy and be sure I'm doing my best to keep things that way. I don't step out of line, I keep to myself and out of trouble. But when someone told me to stop dressing like I did because I didn't know what I was doing...that one hit me. It hit me hard. Not only was that said but it was followed with real sharp remarks that I don't think are appropriate to share here. I had just found a new passion in vintage clothes, after having grown up with movies like Neptune's Daughter and White Christmas along with other classic musicals of the time, I finally had the courage to wear clothes from a time I admired, loved, and connected with. And it was courage for me since it is completely out of the ordinary here where I live. When these things were said to me the first thing I did was delete my Facebook and bury my face as far into my pillow as it could go. Just thinking "how dare you even try to do something that isn't normal, like you could even get away with it in the first place as the nothing you are." and this person definitely made me feel like nothing. I was a wreck for at least a week. It's one thing to suspect people don't like you, but to have it thrown in your face in a hateful way made me fall apart. Back then I never saw the articles that are shared now, about not caring what people think and "you do you" with a big "I woke up like this" Flawless Beyonce fanfare. Even with all of those today I do care, I completely care and because of that I'm easily torn down. But this was the first time I ever said no to someone saying no and using me as their little ego doormat to feel more superior. Today I'm glad it happened, I'm happy I experienced outright disgust and petty behavior from someone because it made me never want to be that or make other people feel how I felt.
So here we are today. I'm a homebody, I take classes online because I get too nervous in a classroom, some weeks I only leave the house once or twice because I have rehearsal to go to, and any free time I have after seeing my boyfriend and other friends is spent in seclusion. I'm happy this way. But I have never had a perfect day, every time I leave my house I'm reminded of how different I am, and it isn't always a nice reminder. Sometimes I get compliments from people I least suspect to talk to me in public, and then there's the group of teenage girls snickering and pointing, the glares from other women, the man who approached me in a shoe store to blatantly tell me I looked different and talked to me like I was a freak. My drama teacher and director in high school always told us something during shows that still sticks with me today: "It only takes one drop of black paint in a bucket of white to make it start to turn black." referring to negative comments and thinking. It takes an overwhelming amount of positivity to cancel out anything negative, which is why I'm so thankful for having the caring community following me on Instagram, and so thankful for the friends and family I have who make me see my worth. This is why I wanted to make a post in the first place, for everyone to see that not having a picture perfect life *IS* normal, and it's good and bad but we can connect more with imperfection than some unrealistic goals we see daily. I'm not perfect and I never have been, but imperfection looks really great on anyone.
-Madison